Mental Health & Intimacy:
an oral interview w/ Tara
Tara Michaela (she/her) is a black, queer, sex educator and student based in New York. Her work focuses on how injustice manifests in sexual interactions, specifically racism. She also explores how stigma keeps us all from being our best selves, pleasure as a form of liberation, and how we can close the orgasm gap. She uses her social media platforms and written pieces to connect with her community on these issues.
now you can listen + follow along with Tara's interview
What made you interested in working within
the Sex education field? (00:17)
It was kind of a few things. In high school I had my “finsta”, and I was always very open on this private Instagram account about my sex life, my relationship to my body, things that I think a lot of girls at my age were going through and maybe weren’t talking about as honestly, I just happened to be an open book kind of person. In doing that and having conversations with people, having people swipe up and tell me that whatever I was posting about was resonating with them, I really started thinking I could be this go-to person in my community. So, I started to educate myself. Another big factor was one of my first classes freshman year was a literature class and we had a unit about sexuality and I kind of assumed it was going to be about queerness around queer studies, stuff like that. But it wasn't just that it was, it was literally sitting in a lecture with over a hundred students and having a professor talk about sex and anatomically correct, and honest terms and like theorize around sex. It was so interesting to me and was the first time that had ever happened to me. I was like, well, you can do this.
And I was like, what if I want to talk about sex and academia? And just exploring what that looks like? Not that I'm necessarily sure that's the route, the sole route that I want to go down, but that was definitely eye opening for me. I think as soon as I started to follow more people on Instagram who were in the field and read some books, listen to some podcasts, and just really educate myself and get familiar with the field, I just knew it was for me. Every single person who I've met in the field I get along with so well, and it's such a relief, I think, to be able to work and make money somewhere where people have similar morals to you. I think that's such a unique experience that I have. So I’m very grateful.
And I was like, what if I want to talk about sex and academia? And just exploring what that looks like? Not that I'm necessarily sure that's the route, the sole route that I want to go down, but that was definitely eye opening for me. I think as soon as I started to follow more people on Instagram who were in the field and read some books, listen to some podcasts, and just really educate myself and get familiar with the field, I just knew it was for me. Every single person who I've met in the field I get along with so well, and it's such a relief, I think, to be able to work and make money somewhere where people have similar morals to you. I think that's such a unique experience that I have. So I’m very grateful.
What does a "race centered anti-capitalistic approach to sex-ed" look like for you? (02:40)
A race centered anti capitalist approach to sex ed in all honesty should be a blackness centered, anti-capitalist approach to sex ed. Some of the things I discuss are universal for BIPOC groups, but for the most part I'm really speaking to black women. What I've noticed about the sex ed field is that it's very women centered, queer centered, but most of the issues that a lot of other sex educators are talking about affect black women and black queer folks disproportionately. So, whether it be issues of assault or, purity culture, something I've discussed, it looks different in my community being African American and African Diasporic as opposed to white communities. So, I feel like that kind of gets lost in translation. A lot of the time, I just feel like I'm not being spoken to. So, what I try to do is be the person that I wish existed in the field. So, centering black women, centering black queer folks in these conversations, and talking about issues that are specific to us. So, I talk a lot about racial fetishism, sexual racism, disparities in sexual health care, maternal death rates, etc.
Anti-Capitalist I think the two are linked. I know the two are linked. There is no black liberation in my view without liberation from Capitalism. They go hand in hand. I'm a believer in the existence of Racial Capitalism, for sure. So, I think how capitalism fits into sex ed really is that I think abolition and abolishing systems like the prison industrial complex systems, policing systems and systems that exists because of Capitalism. Abolition isn’t just about tearing them down., it's also about building up and I think sex education is part of the building up process. You know, what does it look like when these conversations are no longer taboo? Does that change how we think about crime? I mean, I'm sure it does and in relation to things like sex work, but also how we say it about harm, right? A lot of the times when forms of sexual harm happen as far as thinking how we can prevent them in the future, education, honest conversations, access to mental health care, these are things that come to mind for me So, that's my thought process there. I think also I've been answering this question one for so long, but I think also just keeping a futurist approach, I try to be realistic about the fact that we do live in a capitalist society as of right now hence why I have a Patreon, and I do things because need to make money. But keeping a futurist approach, by trying to educate and remain optimistic.
Anti-Capitalist I think the two are linked. I know the two are linked. There is no black liberation in my view without liberation from Capitalism. They go hand in hand. I'm a believer in the existence of Racial Capitalism, for sure. So, I think how capitalism fits into sex ed really is that I think abolition and abolishing systems like the prison industrial complex systems, policing systems and systems that exists because of Capitalism. Abolition isn’t just about tearing them down., it's also about building up and I think sex education is part of the building up process. You know, what does it look like when these conversations are no longer taboo? Does that change how we think about crime? I mean, I'm sure it does and in relation to things like sex work, but also how we say it about harm, right? A lot of the times when forms of sexual harm happen as far as thinking how we can prevent them in the future, education, honest conversations, access to mental health care, these are things that come to mind for me So, that's my thought process there. I think also I've been answering this question one for so long, but I think also just keeping a futurist approach, I try to be realistic about the fact that we do live in a capitalist society as of right now hence why I have a Patreon, and I do things because need to make money. But keeping a futurist approach, by trying to educate and remain optimistic.
How has doing this work impacted how you see your own pleasure? How you see yourself as a Black femme? (06:32)
I think, and this is what I've learned from other black sex educators in the field is that this work is grueling personal work as well. There's so much that I struggle with and I am vulnerable about that. I'm vulnerable with my community about the fact that like, sometimes it's hard for me to ask for things I want, or sometimes it's been hard for me to even know what I want. As a black woman I feel like I've been in a people pleaser role time and time again, that sometimes it's hard to even begin to explore what I actually desire, when I'm not so concerned with making somebody else happy. So doing this personal work has definitely forced me to value my own pleasure more and have a deeper understanding of what pleasure means. Pleasure as a form of liberation pleasure as a way of reconnecting to precolonial nature and things like that is such a beautiful perspective.
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So it's so hard to feel shameful when you truly understand pleasure as a beautiful important and liberating thing So, it's a journey for sure. I think any unlearning process is a journey, especially because in a capitalist society we are not the powerful. So the powerful people and powerful forces that want us not to be having these conversations, and want us to be thinking in a way that is profitable for them. So, any unlearning process is a process. It’s not just like I was shameful, I was sad, I wasn't orgasming, and then boom, I became a sex educator and now I’m Queen of orgasms; that’s not how it happens. But I'm definitely happy to be open about my own learning process and be in it with other folks, and just we're all in this together.
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What would be your goal or dream for how pleasure is seen in society? (09:15)
I spoke a little bit about this but to get rid of shame and also to create openness and honesty. I think so much is gained from honest conversation, so much self-knowledge is gained. Thinking about orgasm, masturbation, and pleasure as one of many ways to communicate yourself and communicate with your body and to know yourself in addition to things like journaling and meditation and all these different forms of communicating with ourselves. We often leave out pleasure. I think it's a key part of everyone's self-journey. So, respecting it as such.. I'm talking a lot about self-shame, but I think more importantly it is to stop shaming others and to stop shaming those who are more vulnerable than you in this society that being sex workers, black folks, queer folks, and fat folks who get shamed in so many different ways, so much worse. So that is my goal and my dream for how pleasure is seen, and also speaking it into crime, prisons and abolition, so we can rebuild something beautiful.
Sex is really, is really mental. A book that has helped me understand this has been Emily Nagoski “Come as You Are”, which she talks about the sexual inhibition system and the sexual exhilaration system. So essentially, for everyone it's kind of different, but there is your sexual acceleration system which is the things that signals to your brain that it's time to get aroused, and then your sexual inhibition system that sort of presses the brake on that acceleration and says nope. For some folks, maybe you don't feel comfortable having sex if your room is messy, which means that a messy room is something that's su pressing those breaks. So really getting an understanding of what your brain needs has everything to do with your sex life. I’m also very much interested in the Psychology of Attraction. That's something I've studied a lot. It's something that has to do with racial fetishism and sexual racism, which are topics that I talk about a lot as well, and also this idea that attraction is sort of absorbed and where we get these ideas from is maybe very subtle coming from your media, coming from your porn consumption. But yes completely psychological. So, there are so many connections between mental well-being and pleasure because I think pleasure is in the brain.
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How does pleasure and mental wellbeing connect for you? Where in your life does this connection show up? (10:59)
The first thing that comes to mind has been something that I've talked about before, my health-related anxiety called hypochondriasis, which has really interfered with my sex life. I've always had various anxiety disorders. I've recently been diagnosed with OCD, and I had a diagnosis for a general anxiety disorder all throughout high school. So, I've always been a pretty anxious person, but for this anxiety to materialized around my sexual health in particular was definitely pretty debilitating. Moving on from that process going on, SSRIs a lot of folks struggle with orgasm while on this specific kind of medication for anxiety and depression. For me, it has been very interesting, what I've noticed recently ever since being on SSRI is it is harder for me to orgasm with partners who I'm less familiar with. So, if it’s like a first hookup or a first date or something like that. However, it’s just as easy to orgasm with people who I definitely feel more comfortable with. I mean, that's a form of mental wellbeing as well, it doesn't have to be some explicit or diagnosed mental illness. It could just be your level of comfort, and your level of presence, which are all things that are mental too.
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What does freedom look like for you? (14:55)
Freedom. That is hard. I know I spoke earlier about being optimistic. I think that's easier said than done. I definitely resonate with some aspects of Afro- Pessimism for sure. I don't think that I have an embodied knowledge of what freedom is because of my blackness, of my queerness, of all of these different things. But when I feel the most free, when I feel the closest to freedom is definitely when I'm with community and, when things that I feel like aren't necessarily expected of me when I just feel like I can be myself, because I'm not concerned with judgment, which most of the time is around other black folks, other black women, other black queer folks. So yeah, I think that's the closes I’ll know in this lifetime to freedom, but I have hopes for freedom. It is somewhat abstract, but I do have hopes of one day for black folks, for oppressed people to be able to control the outcome of their lives and have that level of control. Also, to walk around no longer with a fear of death and so many other fears that factor into that. So yes, I know what freedom definitely doesn't look like, and I'm optimistic that one day, we'll get to a place where those are no longer concerns.
What does self-care look like for you these days? (17:27)
Okay, well, you already know masturbation is a crucial part of the routine because it lets out the endorphins. Since self-pleasure makes me really tired, I 'll usually engage in self-pleasure and then take a fat nap. I'm also a huge fan of getting my nails done, sometimes it can be relaxing sometimes it can't be. Like if I’m getting them done in a run if I'm going to like a cheap salon and sometimes they don't really treat you the best. Working out is huge. I love dance. I used to dance in high school, so dance workouts are amazing. Also, naps are big. Aside from that just seeing people, watching Tik-Toks, and watching a Netflix.
I think incorporating masturbation into your self-care is cool because it's a way in which you can treat masturbation as something other than preparation or practice for partnered sex. Right? I think we think of self-pleasure as a lesser form of partnered sex. Like, oh, I masturbate, I guess, because I don't have anyone else to hook up with or sometimes I would be in relationships and be like, I shouldn't have to masturbate right now because I have a boyfriend. So that means I should never have to masturbate. No, like masturbation is and can be its own beautiful thing that serves its own beautiful purposes if that's how you think of it. If you choose to refrain from thinking of it in that way. So, I think talking about self-pleasure as self-care is so crucial because it helps people reframe and really just take that time to get to know themselves, to enjoy themselves, to explore, to practice boundary setting, in the comfort of their own space and the comfort of their own company without feeling like this isn't as good as partnered sex. Cause honestly, I can tell you some of the best orgasms I've had were completely by myself and that's great there’s nothing shameful about that.
I think incorporating masturbation into your self-care is cool because it's a way in which you can treat masturbation as something other than preparation or practice for partnered sex. Right? I think we think of self-pleasure as a lesser form of partnered sex. Like, oh, I masturbate, I guess, because I don't have anyone else to hook up with or sometimes I would be in relationships and be like, I shouldn't have to masturbate right now because I have a boyfriend. So that means I should never have to masturbate. No, like masturbation is and can be its own beautiful thing that serves its own beautiful purposes if that's how you think of it. If you choose to refrain from thinking of it in that way. So, I think talking about self-pleasure as self-care is so crucial because it helps people reframe and really just take that time to get to know themselves, to enjoy themselves, to explore, to practice boundary setting, in the comfort of their own space and the comfort of their own company without feeling like this isn't as good as partnered sex. Cause honestly, I can tell you some of the best orgasms I've had were completely by myself and that's great there’s nothing shameful about that.